Esprit · d' · Escalier

[Private]

So. Any idea that this school year was going to be different than all the others has completely vanished. I've... reverted back to old Mandy, that is, loner-Mandy and nervous-awkward-timid-Mandy. 

And I feel... I'm not sure. I feel safe, I feel relatively content, I suppose... but do I want that right now? I've been safe for the past six years. It's getting old. And being relatively content is fine, unless you put it up against being totally and utterly happy. There's a bit of a difference. 

There's a quite fucking large difference.

She's probably forgotten about me by now.

[/Private]

For Christmas, I would like an adventure. Something with swashbuckling, perferrably.

je me sens:	cold
j'entend:	Business or Otherwise- Electrelane

On school:
I've had about enough of it.

On weather:
It's getting colder. I like the smell of cold weather.

On siblings:
Tristram has finally gotten himself another job. And another girlfriend. This is the third one in the span of two years he's had with the name Emma. Some unresolved issues perhaps?

On boring journal topics:
I am the queen of those today. 

[Private]
I think I'm gay.
Who am I kidding. I think I'm gay.
I don't know what else to say to that. Excuse me while I go and not act on my feelings some more.
[/Private]

je me sens:	blank
j'entend:	Decree- Ani DiFranco

I've been doing some research. If I want to get into the artifact conservation whatnot, I need the NEWTs in History of Magic and Potions. Charms and Ancient Runes will definetly be a help as well. So would DADA, but of course Mandy didn't take that this year. Cause Mandy is an idiot running at this totally blindly talking to herself in the third person. That can't be healthy. 

But I've been completely swamped all week. Binns seems to think that since I actually pay attention in his class, that I deserve to be given even more work than the rest of the students. Seems to think that I could use the 'challenge'. So I'm working on my second extra-credit essay. Compare and contrast at least four Vampire-Wizard treaties that have been conducted over history, with a special focus on their effects on the magical community. Merlin, I hope this stuff pays off. Maybe I should hold back on the extra History things and try to get Professor Lupin to tutor me in DADA a bit, I could definitely use some background knowledge there, in case the job calls for me to handle any objects that are potentially dangerous. He probably doesn't have the time for that, however. And neither do I, come to think of it. 

[Private]
I'm a typical Ravenclaw, really. I'm complaining about all this work I've been piled with, but really, I'm grateful for it. It's helped me take my mind off of Susan other things. Schoolwork is good. Schoolwork is steady. Essays on Vampire-Wizard treaties do not make me question my sexuality everything I know about myself. 

I can see how this is going to play out, if I'm not too careful. I'll do splendidly on my NEWTs, get myself a good job, a good income, be successful, et cetera et cetera. But I'll be so immersed in my work that I won't pay any attention to what's going on outside of the old manuscript that I'll be in the process of restoring, and then someone great will pass me by. Again.

I'll be rich, successful, maybe even famous in scholarly circles, and certainly doing much better than Tristram, but I'll be alone. Completely alone. 

Bugger. 
Why am I always using this journal to complain?
[/Private]

je me sens:

determined

So anyway, now he's lying around at home, owling me every day because mum and dad have gotten tired of listening to his whinging. And so have I, but lucky for him, the long distance means that when I tell him to shut his face it doesn't prove to be as effective. 

[Private]

I feel like I'm getting back on my feet. I still have to talk to Susan stuff that I've been unrightfully ignoring, (since I'm a bleeding bint and can't figure out what I want) but all in all I'm doing a lot better. 

.. I think.

Bloody hell.

[/Private]

It's funny, when you devote your entire mind trying to decide on something, you tend to start making decisions in other areas instead, just to spite yourself. I think I know what I want to do with the rest of my life. Does anyone know much about the field of ancient magical artifact restoration? I like boring old things.

[Private to Susan]

Questions? How about right now?..... Can I apologize?

[/Private]

je me sens:

numb

MERLIN'S FUCKING BEARD I am the world's largest sodding idiot. 

She kissed me. She kissed me the other day, and did I like it? Yes. Maybe. Really. I don't know. 

Fuck. Can I ever make up my mind?

I can't stop thinking about her. 

Again. Total bint. I think I'm just going to stay up here for the rest of my life. That sounds rather appealing right now. I've hurt her and I know it. I deserve whatever shittiness life throws at me.

[/Private]
[Private to Lisa]

Why do you even bother being friends with me?
I am in need of some serious guidance.

[/Private]
[Private to Dean]

Please make me smile. Um.. hi. How're you?

[/Private]

Hmm... yes.

je me trouve:	my bed
je me sens:	confused

I want to get drunk. I'm feeling social. Someone should host a party.

[Private: Morag]
While I fully appreciate some light entertainment with my scrambled eggs, what was that this morning? Made my day, probably.
[/Private]

My burn's mostly healed up. Carrots and sawdust seem to do the trick, apparently. I should write that one down. Or just remember to wear protective gloves in Potions class. 

[Private]
I realized today that I have absolutely no plans for the Hogsmeade weekend. Everyone else will be off gallivanting and having dates, and I'll probably just end up sitting in a corner of the Three Broomsticks with a cup of butterbeer and a copy of Hamlet. Like last time. And the time before that. 

Sad, Mandy.
[/Private]

Anyone else having problems in Charms? I can't seem to grasp what we covered in the last lesson.

je me trouve:	Library
je me sens:	calm

Ahhhh. Weekend. Beautiful beautiful weekend. Er..... yes. I'm having one of those days where any sort of sensical, coherent human communication escapes me. 

[Private]
I've realized something. That I'm not quite ready to go out there... into the... real world, I guess you could call it? I have no idea what I'm doing. I'd rather just stay here at Hogwarts and study some more. Cause, well, theoretical information is great, but bugger to its pratical applications. I'll be damned if I'll be able to hold down a proper job. 

Great time to realize all of this, hmm? I'm too fucking frightened indescisive to do anything about it. Mum and dad would be proud. 

.... perhaps I should become a professor? If I wasn't so shy awkward scatterbrained FUCK MANDY MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
[/Private]

My class schedule, since I am bound to forget it:

je me trouve:	Ravenclaw Common Room
je me sens:	contemplative
j'entend:	Gone Under the Sea -Electrelane

[Private]

Sooo. New year comes with new realizations. I'm seeing all these people that have been in my classes for ages, we've been living under the same roof for the past seven years, and I don't know any of them.

It's kind of depressing really. You'd think after all this time I'd be able to swallow my shyness at least enough to say hello to people, but aparently not.

I'm a hermit. Mandy Brocklehurst, the Ravenclaw hermit. I should grow a huge beard and start sewing my own clothes out of deer hide or something. 

Or I could risk the potential embarassment and actually try to make some friends this year. Which might be better, cause the beard option isn't too pretty. Or is it too late? Knowing me, it probably is.

[/Private]

I should just stop talking. I have bloody ancient runes that need translating. Normally I'd be happy to do them, but right now I'm in too much of a mood to even bother.

je me sens:

crappy

But anyhow, vengeful staircases or no, it's nice to be back. I missed Ravenclaw house, every last inch of it. Call me a nerd, but I even missed History of Magic. Maybe I just have some deep-seated masochistic tendencies, but I've always been fond of that class.  

My summer was pretty boring, really. It was nice to be back with my family for the first... three days, but then Tristram's whining began to get annoying. That witch he was dating left him first week into the summer, and he really took it hard. He's still working for Gringott's Bank, but took some time off to 'bond' with me. We mostly just wandered around downtown London, not the most exciting of experiences considering we did it last summer... and the summer before that.... and... well you get the picture. 

But we're all back now! Which is wonderful. The Ravenclaw common room is better than melodramatic older brothers any day. <333

je me trouve:	Ravenclaw Common Room
je me sens:	content
j'entend:	Panda Panda Panda- Deerhoof

DANIELLA'S APPLICATION

Mandy is (at first glance) a shy girl, a wallflower of sorts. She tends to be reserved, even awkward or bookish, and doesn’t like to be the center of attention very often. Generally, she is kind, sunny and fond of people, she simply is more introverted than most. But when provoked, or when in a comfortable situation, she can be more talkative and social, and it’s then when she tends to let her quirky, witty flag fly. Like any good Ravenclaw, she loves knowledge, and has a special fondness for history, whether it be muggle or magical (regardless of Binns’ boring classes). She is most often seen carrying a book around with her, sometimes several, and she has eclectic tastes in music, fashion and muggle literature. Regardless of her quiet demeanor, Mandy is a very open person, she is not quick to judge and is willing to try new things (once she has looked at them from every possible angle first, though.) She has an idealism to her (this may be her greatest flaw or gift, depending on how you look at things) and tends to think that people are inherently good, which adds to her pleasant, good-natured (albeit shy) demeanor.

Mandy is fairly average in height and build (short-ish, thin-ish), she does not have a body that you would look twice at, really. Like everything else, her taste in clothes is odd, eclectic, she tends to go for vintage outfits when not sporting her school uniform. And even while in her uniform, some unique little pieces tend to poke their way through, such as an old necklace, gaudy brooch or some silver rings. Her hair is a bit past shoulder height and a wavy dark brown, usually worn messily for Mandy was never very good at doing hairstyles. She has bright blue eyes, a pale, clear complexion and doesn’t often wear much makeup, because every time she tries she just ends up looking like a clown. 

Mandy’s history is an average one, she is a halfblood and comes from a decent, loving family. Her mother, Lucasta, is a witch and is a healer employed by St. Mungo’s, and her father, Harold, teaches English in a muggle school. Mandy has an older brother, Tristram, aged 25, who is working with Gringotts bank, several cats (Ophelia, Toulouse-Lautrec and Mittens) and during the summer holidays she lives with her parents in their modest flat in London. Like any young English witch, she received her letter to attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry at age 11, and was sorted into Ravenclaw when the Sorting hat was still centimetres from her head.

je me sens:

tired